I’ve been big into happiness these days, which is unusual for me. Except for my yoga and meditation practices, my own happiness tends to be something I don’t think about much. I feel passionate about supporting mamas and that makes me happy.
But when you’re a mom, your happiness level isn’t just about you anymore. As my Ayurveda teacher Cate Stillman says, the mother is the midline, or “Happy Mama = Happy Family.” I definitely want my family to be happy. And I’m finding that focusing on my happiness gives better results for my whole family.
When I say “happy,” I mean that no matter who crazy life gets, it’s happening against an inner backdrop of contentment and peace. So, it can look like anything from tears to bliss, as long as we feel deeply ok about ourselves and what’s going on.
As a yoga teacher, of course I see this through a filter of yoga, which has been defined as a 5,000 year old conversation about happiness. So just by exploring the topic of happiness, we are helping to shift and create the yoga of our time.
Part of why I’m so driven to share simple principles and practices with people is that unhappiness is everywhere. 1 out of 5 insured American women are on anti-depressants. Moms especially feel negative about their bodies. And a huge percentage of postpartum women feel their birth was traumtic.
It’s worth trying to shift our happiness level. Happy people have been shown to live longer, get sick less often, and make more money.
Luckily, it’s not as if we’re either happy or not and that’s it. We have a lot of power to change our happiness level.
Some studies have shown that we each have what’s called a Happiness Set Point, like a thermometer, the place we always come back to within (at most) 3 months of any incident. Here is what our Happiness Set Point is made up of:
50% is genetic – we’re born with a certain happiness disposition
10% is our situation – what’s happening in and around us
40% is our habits of thought and behavior – what we do and how we choose to respond to everything.
And here’s the weird thing. We usually work on the 10% part, and put all our efforts into changing our situation. But (as you know if you get a 10% discount on something), it doesn’t really change the big picture that much.
So, why are we putting all our energy into something that won’t really change anything? Because we’re told by society in so many ways that if we just get THAT, or THERE, or look like HER, or achieve THIS, or make THIS amount, or move THERE… we’ll finally be happy.
Just one more pound off, one more step up in the world, one more project completed – this is an empty promise that if we have just a little more success in the world we will be riding the joy train to paradise!
But as yoga teaches, there’s just no “there” there. There’s no situation that can provide us the happiness we seek. If we get a raise or find a great relationship, after a short spike in happiness, we return to the same level… and we start to set our sights on our next “there.”
To really make a difference, we need to start looking at the 40% part – our habits of thought and behavior.
Believe it or not, these are not that hard to change. It only takes a couple minutes a day to have an affect.
Want to completely transform your life? Try practicing yoga and / or meditating for 20 minutes a day. Don’t have 20 minutes? Do it for two. You might find once you try it that you love it so much, you start to find more time to do it. We do what matters to us.
So here are 5 ways you can raise your Happiness Set Point. Don’t just do it for you. Do it for your kid, for your family, and for everyone you come in contact with in your life. Do it because we know that happiness leads to great situations, rather than the other way around.
5 Ways to Increase Your Happiness
1. Gratitude
If you’ve done any spiritual development work you know that gratitude is Happiness 101. Each morning, write down 5 things you’re grateful for. I did this for a while and noticed it was super hard not to keep saying the same things. It actually got kind of… boring.
Then my inspiring friend Leigh of www.AllCreativeLike.com suggested we practice this instead: Write down a list each night of all that you received that day. A $25 refund you didn’t expect. A compliment from a co-worker. A chance meeting. A unique expression of love from your little one. It’s amazing what is coming at us all the time that we don’t even notice.
What’s more, when we start to write these things down daily (and if possible, share our list with someone – Leigh and I text them to each other), we start to become more aware that the universe is constantly offering gifts, and instead of trying to control everything, we begin to allow things to unfold more and appreciate what comes. And when we do that, we feel grateful. And happy.
2. Altruism
Give something away. Donate to charity. Take your kid to help out at a soup kitchen for 1 hour. When we give, we get happier. One study compared results of giving money away vs. receiving money between football teams. The teams that gave money away rocked the house. Happiness helps us play well with others.
3. Pursue a Cause You Believe in
Helen Keller wrote, “Happiness is attained not through self gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”
What bugs you about the world? What are your skills and how could you use them to make the world better? What little part might you play in the tapestry?
Don’t think that you will be happier when it’s all done and the world is fixed. But if you (and friends you find along the way who also want to help) get involved in a project you believe in, you might feel a lot of joy just by offering your unique gifts to the world, and making an impact.
4. Do a Daily Practice that Clears and Uplifts Your Body, Mind, and Heart
Try a 5-minute breathing and moving practice (if you want to be guided by expert teachers, try a free week of live and on-demand yoga with us). It will affect you on ALL levels, and can have a HUGE affect on your Happiness Set Point.
Just get to your mat (or a rug) sometime in the morning and move on your hands and knees in whatever way feels good. Do Cat/Cow, or just sway your hips. Keep your attention on your breath’s gentle rise and fall while you move. As you stay with each feeling, you’ll be reminded how to find happiness within yourself instead of waiting for outside things to lift your mood. The mat becomes a safe place to practice calmness, patience, and self-kindness. Carry that steady feeling with you when you roll up your mat.
Then, grab a notebook (I like composition books because the pages never come out), a folded towel or meditation pillow to sit on, and your yoga mat.
A simple one to start with is “Ho’oponopono” (pronounced ho-pono-pono). It is a deeply powerful way to clear energy between you and someone else, or even between you and you. You might feel anger, resentment, competitiveness, disappointment, whatever – doesn’t matter. Just say this over and over for 5 minutes toward you or that person to start clearing the way for happiness.
I’m sorry.
I forgive you.
Thank you.
I love you.
In my experience, major magic occurs within a week – not just within me, but in the relationship itself.
After this, meditate. Simply allow everything to be as it is. Even your thoughts. Just be. Let the thoughts float by. Let go of any preferences, “shoulds”, and attempting to be in any particular state of mind. Just sit like a cat in awareness.
Then, do some automatic writing. Just follow these rules:
a. Do not stop writing for 5 minutes
b. Do not cross out
c. Do not read over your work until later
Having a home practice that connects you inward is essential to raise your happiness quotient. Pick one of the above, or do them all over the course of a week.
5. Connect to the Rhythms of Nature
Last century, we humans learned how to harness nature’s energy to make life more comfortable. Then, we began using these comforts to do things we’ve never been able to do before – travel, communicate, create and build. But we never did learn how to limit these conveniences, and our inner wiring is shorting out.
First and foremost, we are programmed to GO TO SLEEP BEFORE 10 PM. We naturally get tired around 9:30. If you miss this window, it’s harder to get to sleep and your sleep is less effective.
One study showed that our sleep the night before has greater impact on our happiness than marital status or income level.
Also, take 2 minutes each day to stand or walk barefeet on grass. And/or sit against a tree. You will connect again to nature’s rhythms, which are actually medium to slow…
Can’t find grass or a tree? When you notice you are racing through your day, take a breath in through your nose, and exhale out slowly through your mouth as long as you can, using your stomach muscles at the end to push the last bit of breath out and ground down.
This will help to re-set your nervous system, relax your blood pressure, slow your heart rate and the firings of the neurons of the brain. Believe it or not, our natural exhale is about twice as long the inhale.
As busy nurturers of people and projects, we are so rushed we can’t hear our bodies talk. When we slow down and focus on our breath, we can start to notice what our body and heart are asking for, and begin to honor what we hear. This is how we create authentic, meaningful lives.
And when we do that, we feel happy. Where’s your happiness set point?
