New parenting is often the hardest thing couples ever do together. These relationship tips can help you re-connect and stay connected through it all.
Someone I knew once warned me to make sure I did date night. He said “when our son turned 6, my wife and I looked at each other and realized we didn’t even know each other anymore.”
Then they got a divorce.
Not wanting this to happen to me, but also not always able to find time for date night with our busy schedules, I found this offering from my teacher Julie Freitas to be super helpful: when your partner comes home, resist the temptation to hand off the little one and take a break. To me, making sure we spend time together as a family shows our partner, our child, and the universe that our relationship is of the highest value.
But being together is often not enough. Let’s be honest, when life gets intense and we are sleepless and overwhelmed, we tend to annoy each other more.
So, I returned to my roots. One of my first yoga teachers used to say, “if your yoga practice is good, your relationships should be getting better.” For a long time, I didn’t understand this. My teacher was so compassionate and wise and generous in class, that my partner could never match up and I’d actually be more annoyed that he wasn’t offering me sweet teachings from the heart constantly throughout the day.
Eventually, I began to understand that our yoga is practice for having a more fulfilling life experience. And that when we begin to see our life experience as made up of a garden of relationships (with our loved ones, our work, our body, our lives), we can use our yoga to help our relationships flourish and our experiences deepen.
Here are some relationship tips I learned from yoga that can help your relationships survive and (when you’re lucky) even thrive:
Relationship Tip 1: Get clear on your intention.
If things feel difficult, ask yourself: what are my needs and desires for my relationship?
Spend some time imagining what it could be. Write what you want to be and do for each other. It’s strange but when I write out how I want things to be different, preparing to have a talk about it, the problem often resolves itself and I don’t have to say a word.
Relationship Tip 2: Become more receptive.
Listen. Listen to the needs and desires beneath your partner’s words. You can ask what it is they want and need; but there is a world of reality beneath language and some people are better at expressing it than others. As we get better at opening to receive, we can get clear messages of what our partner wants and needs and be there for them without being asked.
Relationship Tip 3: Let go of expectations and assumptions about how things are supposed to be.
Take things in as they are. The form of love you have is unique, and won’t look like anything you’ve seen before. Letting it be what it is is the first step to appreciating what you have.
Relationship Tip 4: Shift yourself instead of trying to shift them.
When I am feeling hurt or frustrated about something, I often entertain the possibility that he is feeling exactly the same way. When my attitude and behavior softens, pretty soon his do too, and the love flows again.
This even works when you really want them to change a specific behavior. Even if you don’t think you do that, focus on improving yourself in that area. Sometimes it works better than a conversation.
Relationship Tip 5: Give talking through it a rest.
If you find yourself bickering or fighting or just feeling annoyed, try to step back and see this as the way energy is flowing right now (or actually NOT flowing) between you.
Ask your partner to sit and meditate for 2 minutes before bed. Keep it simple and just become as spacious as you can for 2 minutes. I was surprised at how quickly the energy shifted between us and how I actually wanted to snuggle again.
Hope this gave you a bit of inspiration, but remember: reading about it is not the same as practicing it! You need to put these relationship tips into action to experience the yoga of connection in your own relationship.
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